Your friend’s been harassed- now what? Support 101: What to say, what NOT to say, and how to show up.

So you’re meeting up with your friend for your weekly catch up. You had plans to go for a coffee at your local cafe but they message you the night before:

“Can I talk to you about something that’s happened to me?” 

Already you might be feeling a little panicked, what’s happened to your friend? Are they okay? And what can you do to help? With this short guide we’ll show you exactly how to support your friends in their time of need.

 
First steps 

Your friend has reached out to you telling you they have been harassed, whether that’s verbally, physically or sexually, the first thing you should be asking them is: Do you want to talk about it? Although you may want to know what’s happened, sometimes the answer is no. If someone has gone through something traumatic it can be difficult to talk about, especially if it has just happened. It may take time for them to open up about their experience, or they may never open up about it at all. And both of these responses are perfectly normal, it’s important to never push someone to discuss something they aren’t ready to, consent matters. 

So what should I do, they don’t want to talk about it?

 Well, ask them what they would like to do instead. Do they want something to drink, or a hug, or to just sit in silence for a bit? Do they want to do something fun like going to see a movie, scrolling through tik tok together, or taking a walk to take their mind off things? There’s many things you can do to support your friends outside of talking, everyone copes differently so just ask them how they would like you to support them.

 

But what if they’ve said yes?

Picking the right spot to chat:

Your friend feels ready to share what happened with you, so where’s the best place to do this? 

First things first: Just ask. 

The number one rule to showing your support for what your friend needs is simply asking. You can even offer them some suggestions: Would they feel more comfortable at your place, or if you went out for a drive? Or maybe they’d feel more comfortable talking in their own room, somewhere where they naturally feel safe. It’s best to suggest somewhere more private where they can talk openly rather than a public space such as a restaurant or bar. You want to make sure they feel seen and heard, which can be very difficult in a place with lots of noise. However, they may suggest that they’d feel more comfortable somewhere more public so it feels more relaxed and less intimate. They may not even want to meet up at all, a lot of people feel far more comfortable talking over the phone or on FaceTime.

Wherever you end up meeting (or not meeting) you can support them by helping create a safe space;

• Bring blankets
• Stick on some background noise
• Share some food with them

And most importantly, give them your full attention, give them the time and space they need to share at whatever pace and depth they feel comfortable with.

 

How to start the conversation?

This can be the hardest part, starting the conversation. Emotions are high, and you may both be feeling a little uncomfortable so creating the previously mentioned “safe space” is incredibly important in starting things off. It’s also a good idea to try and keep as much open body language as possible to help show you’re ready to listen. This would be things like;

• Avoiding crossing your arms ( we don’t want to come across as being judgemental).
• Maintaining eye contact now and again (if you feel comfortable) to show you are listening.
• And facing the person speaking which can also show more active listening and a better emotional response.

Now that we know how to create a more open atmosphere it’s time to get talking.

Your friend may feel comfortable enough to start off by themselves but if they seem to be struggling with where to start it’s best to return to our number one, and only rule here.

Just ask. Do you feel ready to talk about it? Is there anything I can do to make you feel more comfortable? Would you like me to turn around and you can start whenever you’d like?

And when they’re ready to talk, they will, the best support you can give them here is patience and understanding. 

 

Questions are normal but what should you avoid asking?

 You’ve helped create a safe space and now your friend has shared what’s happened. You might be thinking up a lot of different questions right now, and most of the time this is purely out of worry for them. And having questions, no matter how in depth their recounter was, is completely normal and expected. But what questions should you avoid asking? Well what were you wearing?

This is a horribly outdated phrase that immediately puts the blame on the victim. It’s a common question asked by police officers despite usually having nothing to do with a case. Harassment is a big issue all across the world, so the idea of clothing affecting treatment towards a person is pointless, you could be in a very cold country where you’re wrapped up in a snowsuit outside, or an incredibly hot country where shorts and t-shirts are the go-to, perhaps somewhere with strict dress codes, or even in your own home. Clothes do not initiate any kind of harassment towards a person.

 Did you give them any kind of hints/ did you start speaking to them first?

 Here’s another common way that blame is put on the victim. It’s not uncommon to initiate a conversation with someone you may be interested in, whether that’s as a friend or romantically, but as soon as you feel uncomfortable or feel like something’s not right, it’s okay to walk away. Consent is always important and no always means no, it’s that simple.  So even if your friend “gave them hints”, they decided they were not comfortable in that situation and that should be what’s more important. 

 Why are you telling me and not the police?

 In many cases people won’t go to the police about harassment due to feeling like it’s “a waste of their time” or it “wasn’t bad enough” for police action. Although any kind of harassment is always worth reporting, many of us understand how difficult it can be to tell a stranger about what has happened, not to mention that many cases either aren’t taken seriously or will be stretched out over months, even years. It’s perfectly acceptable to ask your friend if they would like to go to the police, but you should never judge them for not wanting to.

There are many other questions that may be inappropriate to be asking but these are just a few of the most common ones. If you are ever unsure, my advice to you is to simply take a minute and think before you ask; is this appropriate, will this upset them, and, would I be putting blame on them rather than the perpetrator(s)? 

You may now be asking yourself, what can I do to support them through this?

Well let’s take a look at short term support and long term support, e.g how can i help them now and how can i help in the future?

How can I support them? (Short term) 

Some of the short term support you can give includes; helping with filing a police report if necessary, being there to chat, and helping out with the small things.

Your friend may decide they would like to report the incident to police, so what can you do to help out here? Unfortunately there’s only so much you can do, so don’t feel like you’re not doing enough, just showing up can be everything to someone. This can be seen in offering to go to the station with them or sitting with them while they phone, some countries also offer online forms and phone numbers you can use instead so have a look online to see if your country offers these. 

The next thing you can do to support them in the short term is, as previously mentioned, just being there to chat. Their experience doesn’t end after talking about what happened, many victims experience ptsd, guilt, anxiety, loneliness etc and this can take a great toll on their mental health. Offering them a space to speak further about how they are feeling can be a great support tool, as well as just your regular conversations to help take their mind off of everything, a lot of people just want to feel ‘normal’ again, whatever that personally means for them. 

And finally, another great way to support them is to help out with the small things. As I said, harassment can take a real toll on many people’s mental health so asking if they need help with any of the day-to-day stuff can be very useful. Ask them if they want a hand cleaning up around the house, or a study-partner for a test, or maybe they have kids and could use a bit of time to themselves, anything to help take a bit of pressure off. It’s also good to let them get involved in these small things as well, rather than “Do you want me to get your groceries?” Instead try, “Would you like to do a food shop together?” These things can help give them a bit of a mental health boost, and turn every day chores into more of a fun activity, helping them get back on track. 

How can I support them? (Long term) 

PTSD and declining mental health can be a serious concern for victims of harassment, often causing long-term damaging effects. Therapy may not always be a sustainable option for people as it can get quite expensive especially if they need long term support, although I wouldn’t rule out suggesting it and helping your friend look for budget friendly options such as yearly plans. Some countries also offer short-term therapy over the phone or video lasting a few weeks, often through police and victim support services. It could be a good idea to also look for local support groups or free online support groups that you can show your friend, always be wary about their feelings towards this however, I’m not suggesting an intervention, but they may reach out to you to say they feel they need more support. Other than this, what is necessary long-term is knowing they have a friend in you. Remember to reach out and let them know that they can always reach out to you, even if it’s just for a chat, a bit of a gossip or some life updates.  

Hopefully with this guide you feel more ready to help your friend out and have gained a little bit more experience in giving the best support you can give. If you ever feel affected by what you’ve heard, or you need a little bit more advice, there’s always support out there for yourself.

Disclaimer:
This article has been written by a HASSL Ambassador as part of our community content initiative. While all ambassador contributions are reviewed for clarity, tone, and alignment with our values before publication, the views expressed are those of the individual author and do not necessarily reflect the views or official position of HASSL.

These articles are intended to amplify personal perspectives, lived experiences, and knowledge from our wider community. They are not authored by the HASSL team, and HASSL does not claim ownership over the content.

Please note that the information provided is for general awareness and educational purposes only. It should not be taken as professional, medical, or legal advice. If you require support or guidance in any of these areas, we strongly recommend consulting a qualified professional.