The ‘Pick Me’ Trope and Internalised Misogyny: Why We Need to Stop Shaming Women - And Start Asking Why It Exists
It was October 23rd, 2005, when Grey’s Anatomy aired the 5th episode of its second season, titled “Bring the Pain” - featuring one of the most iconic (and controversial) lines in TV history.
Let’s set the scene.
An overworked, heartbroken, and frustrated medical intern—Meredith Grey—walks into the scrub room. Waiting there is McDreamy—aka Derek Shepherd—aka the love of her life - aka the guy who didn’t mention he is married.
She tells him she lied. She’s not out of the relationship. She’s in.
He interrupts her.
Then comes her famous speech:
“Your choice, it's simple: her or me. And I'm sure she's really great... But Derek, I love you. In a really really big, pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window - unfortunate way, that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me. Choose me. Love me.”
Almost 20 years later, Meredith Grey has become the unofficial poster girl for the “Pick Me” trope, thanks to the show's resurgence on TikTok during the pandemic.
But what is the Pick Me trope?
Why does it exist?
And how does it shame women for surviving in systems that weren’t built for them?
What Is the Pick Me Trope?
In short, the pick me trope refers to a pattern of behaviour, where someone, typically women, seeks attention, validation and approval, usually from men, by differentiating themselves from others. We call it the ‘pick me trope’ because it is rooted in the mindset:
’If I act a certain way, they’ll pick me over everyone else.’
This behavior is deeply tied to internalised misogyny - and it doesn’t always look the way you expect.
Misogyny vs. Internalised Misogyny
To deconstruct the pick me trope, we first have to understand what enables it, and that is misogyny and internalised misogyny. So, let's look at that.
Misogyny
“Dislike of, contempt for, or ingrained prejudice against women.”
- Oxford English Dictionary
Misogyny is a belief system that sees women as less than - less capable, less rational, less worthy. It fuels stereotypes, inequality, and rigid gender roles - limiting how women are expected to look, act, and exist. These attitudes are upheld by centuries of patriarchal systems and passed down through culture, religion, and social norms.
Internalised Misogyny
“The involuntary internalisation by women of the sexist messages that are present in their societies and culture.”
- Everyday Feminism
Internalised misogyny is what happens when women absorb these misogynistic beliefs - and begin to act on them, often without realising it. It can show up as shame, self-doubt, or resentment toward other women.
It’s not a flaw - it’s a survival strategy in a world that tells them:
Be desired. Be quiet. Be chosen. From there, Pick Me is born.
Let’s Talk Intersectionality
The misogynistic forces don’t affect all women equally. The pressure to be “pickable” intensifies for those who sit outside of whiteness, straightness, cis identities, thinness, wealth, or able-bodied norms - the expectations are heavier, and the erasure deeper. That’s why our work must be intersectional. Our feminism must reflect the full spectrum of womanhood, and that includes every woman.
Traits of the Pick Me Trope
Competition mindset
Viewing other women as rivals, rather than allies. It can manifest as jealousy, comparison, or undermining others, and it messes with female solidarity by framing success or desirability as a limited resource.
Thought: If she succeeds, there is less room for me.
Comment: She probably slept her way to the top.
Playing into traditional gender roles
Acting submissive, prioritising appearance, and adopting the cool girl persona to appear more desirable to men.
Thought: If I’m low-maintenance and agreeable, he’ll like me more than the others.
Comment: I’m not like other girls - I don’t nag, I just let guys be guys.
Judging or devaluing other women
Looking down upon women who embrace their femininity, sexuality, and conventionally ‘girly’ interests.
Thought: She tries too hard - it’s embarrassing.
Comment She’s so fake, always dressed up for attention.
Self-erasure.
Sacrificing their own needs, boundaries, identity, or self worth, in hopes of being chosen - romantically, socially or emotionally.
Thought: If I love him enough, he’ll pick me.
Comment: Pick me. Choose me. Love me.
Real Life Examples
The “Tradwife” Aesthetic
Many influencers promote the “tradwife” lifestyle, posting content cooking,
cleaning, and submitting to their husbands, presenting themselves as ideal women.
While some embrace this lifestyle by choice, praising it as the ultimate form of womanhood reinforces the pick me pattern of performing femininity for male validation and social approval.
Thought: Modern women don’t know how to keep a man.
Comment: I serve my man breakfast in bed every day.
The Workplace Pick Me
Internalised misogyny in the workplace can lead women to align with male authority by distancing themselves from other women. This can be done by downplaying female colleagues, avoiding collaboration with other women, or reinforcing sexist stereotypes in an attempt to gain favor or prove they're "not like the others." This doesn’t just isolate the woman doing it - it reinforces the very systems that undervalue women in the first place.
Thought: Women are too dramatic to work with.
Comment: I prefer working with men - they’re just more straightforward.
#TweetLikeAPickMe
This hashtag went viral on Twitter around 2016 and resurfaced during the pandemic, highlighting tweets that parodied Pick Me behavior. The tweets mix satire with social commentary, illustrating how Pick Me attitudes can show up in everyday speech, especially online. It also highlights how internalised misogyny plays out in public and digital spaces.
While some of these tweets were meant to be tongue-in-cheek, they highlight how deeply ingrained these attitudes are, reflecting the tension between modern and traditional views of femininity. It’s sad because it’s women who end up hating other women who express these *Pick Me* behaviors, reinforcing the cycle of competition instead of solidarity.
How The Pick Me Trope Shames Women
-
It Enforces Competition, Not Community - Women are made to feel they must compete with each other for approval, attention, and love - usually from men.
-
It Punishes Femininity- Being “too emotional,” “too much,” or wearing makeup becomes something to be mocked, as if traditionally feminine traits are weaknesses.
-
It Rewards Self-Sacrifice - Pick me behavior tells women that their worth is tied to how much they can give up—their personality, preferences, boundaries - in order to be “chosen."
-
It Silences Individuality - To be picked, a woman may feel the need to conform, hide ambition, downplay intelligence, or agree with harmful beliefs just to seem agreeable.
- It Distracts from the Real Issue: The Patriarchy - Most importantly, instead of questioning why women feel the need to be picked, society shames them for it. The problem isn’t the pick me girl - it’s the system that taught her she has to be one in order to survive.
Back to Grey’s Anatomy
Meredith’s desperate plea - “Pick me. Choose me. Love me.” - may unintentionally have become the unofficial anthem of the «pick me trope», but it was never meant to be aspirational. In fact, Ellen Pompeo hated it so much she didn’t want to say it. In 2021, she revealed on her podcast “Tell me with Ellen Pompeo“:
“I’m bawling my eyes out - not for the reasons in the scene, but - because I can’t believe I am on TV begging a man to love me."
But the show's creator, Shonda Rhimes stood by it—because it was real. She knew it would resonate, because it reflects the emotional labor women are often expected to perform in relationships. It reflects the belief that love must be earned by sacrificing part of yourself, and in Meredith’s instance, she sacrificed her self worth.
Then, on February 23rd, 2023, Grey’s Anatomy aired the 7th episode of their 19th season, titled "I'll Follow the Sun." Featuring one of the best full-circle moments in TV history.
Let’s set the scene.
A tired, self-assured, and kickass Chief of General Surgery— Dr. Meredith Grey—is standing in the scrub room. In walks the man she loves - aka Dr. Nick Marsh - aka the guy it is complicated with. He wants her to say something. To do something.
Then comes Meredith’s full circle moment:
“I want you in my life if you want to be in my life. But if I have to choose, I’m going to pick me. I pick my kids, and I pick what’s best for us. And I am not going to beg you to love me."
After 18 years of unlearning internalized misogyny, Meredith Grey finally frees herself from the pick me trope, and steps into her power. Showing women everywhere that unlearning internalized misogyny is possible, and that self-worth comes from choosing ourselves, not waiting to be chosen.
This is what unlearning internalized misogyny can look like. We can still want love—Meredith proves that when she and Nick make it work. But we don’t have to make sacrifices ourselves in order to receive it.
So many of us have been taught to mold ourselves around someone else’s approval. To believe that being chosen by someone else is what makes us enough. It isn’t. We were—we are—already enough.
So we don’t mock the “pick me” girl. We recognize her. Because most of us have been her, in some way. Instead of shame, we offer compassion. Instead of judgment, we offer language and tools to help her unlearn the systems that taught her to shrink. That’s the key—it’s not about blaming women for these behaviors. It’s about naming the forces that conditioned them to believe this was the only way to be seen.
So where do we go from here?
-
Reflect, don’t ridicule.
If you catch yourself or someone else in a Pick Me pattern, pause, and ask:
What belief is this behavior rooted in?
Who taught you that you had to shrink to be loved?
Judgment shuts down learning—curiosity invites it.
- Choose solidarity over competition.
Instead of comparing or criticising, uplift. Compliment the woman who owns her femininity. Support your colleague's ambition. Celebrate women who choose themselves.
- Unlearn and reframe.
Start noticing the narratives you’ve been taught about what makes a woman “good,” “worthy,” or “wife material.” Challenge them. Read feminist writing. Listen to women with different experiences. Question everything—especially the rules you think you have to follow.
- Teach the next generation differently.
Talk to younger girls about boundaries, confidence, and self-worth. Show them that being loved doesn’t require sacrificing yourself.
- Keep choosing you.
Meredith Grey’s evolution—from begging to be chosen, to choosing herself—isn’t just fiction. It’s a reminder that unlearning takes time, and is worth it. You don’t need to be picked to matter. You already matter.
Sources
Capital FM
Ellen Pompeo reveals she was "horrified" by Meredith’s iconic “Pick me” scene with Derek on Grey’s Anatomy.
👉 Read the full article here
FemMagazine
A deep dive into internalised misogyny—what it is, how it impacts us, and ways to unlearn it.
👉 Check it out here
People
Ellen Pompeo talks about her discomfort with Meredith’s “Pick me, choose me, love me” scene and how it made her question her character’s role.
👉 Read the full article here
Oxford English Dictionary
Explore the definition of misogyny.
👉 Check it out here
Everyday Feminism
A helpful intro to internalised misogyny and how to unlearn it.
👉 Read the article here
Rachel Lindsay – Tell Me with Ellen Pompeo
In this podcast episode from November 3, 2021, Ellen Pompeo talks about her discomfort with Meredith Grey’s iconic "Pick me" scene.
🎧 Listen on Spotify
📺 Watch on YouTube
TikTok Trends & Meredith Grey Soundbite
The #PickMeGirl trend came back strong during the pandemic, sparking a ton of convo across TikTok. Check out creators like @feministtok, @popculturehistorian, and @thegirlwiththemic for all the tea.
Twitter: #TweetLikeAPickMe
A viral hashtag (2016–2020) that called out internalized misogyny and performative femininity. Look up #TweetLikeAPickMe for examples and hot takes.
Grey’s Anatomy Scenes
Season 2, Episode 5 – “Bring the Pain” (2005): "Pick me. Choose me. Love me."
Season 19, Episode 7 – “I’ll Follow the Sun” (2023): “I am going to pick me.”
Kimberlé Crenshaw – “Mapping the Margins”
A foundational text on intersectionality from the Stanford Law Review (1991), key to understanding layered forms of oppression.
👉 Read the article
Podcasts to Check Out
Call Her Daddy – “Ellen Pompeo: Pick Me, Choose Me, Pay Me More”
Ellen Pompeo gets candid about Grey’s Anatomy, the infamous “Pick Me” scene, and how it made her uncomfortable. She also opens up about pay equity, career longevity, and the emotional labor women are expected to carry in Hollywood.
🎧 Listen on Spotify
📺 Watch on YouTube
Tell Me with Ellen Pompeo
In Ellen Pompeo’s own podcast, she interviews guests across entertainment and activism. Expect deep discussions on media representation, gender dynamics, and lessons from her career.
🎧 Listen on Spotify
The Michelle Obama Podcast – “The Language of Leadership”
Michelle Obama shares her take on leadership, especially for women and women of color. The episode dives into the challenges women face in leadership roles and how to overcome them with grace and strength.
🎧 Listen on Spotify
UnF*cking The Republic – “Women in Politics: A Conversation with Stacey Abrams”
Stacey Abrams gets real about the systemic sexism and internalized misogyny women face in politics. She talks about how these challenges impact women’s involvement in politics and how they can be overcome.
🎧 Listen on Spotify
The Guilty Feminist – “Feminism and Internalized Misogyny”
The Guilty Feminist takes on the topic of internalized misogyny with humor and sharp commentary. This episode tackles how we can unintentionally reinforce patriarchal views and offers fresh perspectives on confronting these ideas.
🎧 Listen on Spotify
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