The Double-Edged Sword: Harassment and Ableism; How being disabled makes you more vulnerable - and more invisible.

Having a disability or disorder, whether it's physical or mental, already comes with a myriad of challenges. But having to go through the cruel and unnecessary challenge of a person or people exploiting our differences is something else entirely. Let me just say this: if this has happened to you, you are not alone!

My Story

For some background, I am an autistic woman. When I was younger, around sixteen I was getting harassed by one of my classmates. My processing speed lags a bit behind the rest of my abilities. So when faced with those undesirable situations, I couldn't always figure out how to escape them until after.

I made the mistake of giving him the benefit of the doubt. I didn't know if I was misreading things since I often struggled with social cues.

I just knew I felt uncomfortable with the situation, and I was driving myself crazy trying not to escalate things and make it all worse. We shared friends after all, so I thought creating "drama" would've made our social lives crumble. And they all treated it like it was normal, so I pushed through it.

But then, one night, I got overstimulated. I shut down. We had all gone to see a movie, and it was loud, and bright, and a lot was happening. I really enjoyed it, but sometimes this sort of thing can happen. I was quiet, I couldn't bring myself to talk, everything seemed like too much.

So I put in my earphones, and focused on going home. However, I shared the same bus route home as the aforementioned classmate. It's not the first time I've had to socially "check-out" so to speak, so there was no big reaction to it.

But once on the bus, isolated, things took more of a physical turn. He got touchy. Then he started kissing my hair. I had to just sit through it and hope he'd stop or someone else would notice and put a stop to it.

Eventually it stopped. And so did the bus. And I went home. I was so disappointed in myself.

How could I let that happen? Why would he even attempt that sort of thing if I was so clearly in that state?

It happened one more time after that. I stopped taking the bus. I started staying home more. He'd call, and text nonstop, and once I came home to find him in my house.

I was so disappointed in myself for letting it get that far. I hated myself for not knowing how to handle it. I hated myself for getting overwhelmed and overstimulated. I felt weak and incapable. 

I'm Not Weak, and Neither Are You.

I didn't LET anything happen. I was exploited when I was vulnerable. The whole mentality surrounding what could've been done better and what you should've done instead is toxic and harmful. It implies that the victim was responsible for how the situation turned out. That they had some kind of control.

We don't.

If we did, I can guarantee you it wouldn't happen in the first place.

He made that choice. He didn't control himself. He took advantage of me. That's it.

If you or someone else you know has been victimised in a similar way, it's important to note that it's not your/their fault. At the time, you do what you think is necessary to not make it worse and get through it.

You are not weak. You did what you could. And you aren't alone.

Ableism's Consequences:

Imagine your disability making them rule out your reliability as a witness. Imagine your case getting dismissed entirely because of the ignorance or stigma surrounding it. It happens. We remain invisible. Dismissed. Even ridiculed.

Those with disabilities are at significantly higher risk of being sexually victimised than those without.¹

We are at a disadvantage. And this disadvantage is not given nearly enough attention. Disabilities are often left out of the discussion regarding gender equality or sexual violence.

Our stories are often left unheard. It can be hard enough to explain our experiences to people who don't experience what we do, and that's before even considering the conscious and unconscious ableism that is omnipresent in today's world.

Only you know the extent of what you go through.

If a situation makes you uncomfortable or feels wrong to you, then it is. Simple as that. If someone crosses a line, you don't need to double check. If you have to question it, then they have.

If someone used your differences for any type of violation, it's not your fault. It is certainly not up to you to try and stop being different.

It is the aggressor's fault. It's their fault they decided to commit a horrible act against someone who did nothing to provoke or deserve it.

And let's be clear, no one ever deserves it.

I'm not ashamed of my disability. The challenges it brings are part of my life. And I have worked hard to understand myself and live a good life.

And to everyone out there facing their own challenges, there's no need to be ashamed. We are strong. And we are people who deserve just as much recognition and respect as anyone else. We may have certain vulnerabilities, we may have different needs, and we may stumble sometimes. But it only makes us stronger. 

To All the Allies and Supporters Out There, The Friends and Family:

Yes, there are ways you can help. Some very simple ways, actually.

Listening is important. Some things may be hard to understand, but trust that we know what we're talking about when speaking of our own experience. Even if it doesn't necessarily make sense to you, if we say something is wrong, then something is wrong.

Asking what you can do to help is an amazing next step. Trying to stay out of it because you are not directly involved or because you don't "get it" does nothing but make us have to go through it alone. Which is something no one should have to do.

Don't be dismissive or put us down. This should go without saying but this helps absolutely nothing. Being anything other than supportive is counterproductive and bordering on cruel. These situations shouldn't happen at all, and making it worse is unacceptable.

It stops with us. All of us.

References:

1: Mailhot Amborski, A., Bussières, E.-L., Vaillancourt-Morel, M.-P., & Joyal, C. C. (2022). Sexual Violence Against Persons With Disabilities: A Meta-Analysis. Trauma, Violence, & Abuse, 23(4), 1330-1343. https://doi.org/10.1177/1524838021995975

WHO calls for greater attention to violence against women with disabilities and older women:

https://www.who.int/news/item/27-03-2024-who-calls-for-greater-attention-to-violence-against-women-with-disabilities-and-older-women

Disclaimer:

This article has been written by a HASSL Ambassador as part of our community content initiative. While all ambassador contributions are reviewed for clarity, tone, and alignment with our values before publication, the views expressed are those of the individual author and do not necessarily reflect the views or official position of HASSL.

These articles are intended to amplify personal perspectives, lived experiences, and knowledge from our wider community. They are not authored by the HASSL team, and HASSL does not claim ownership over the content.

Please note that the information provided is for general awareness and educational purposes only. It should not be taken as professional, medical, or legal advice. If you require support or guidance in any of these areas, we strongly recommend consulting a qualified professional.